For a change, I tried keeping on my sanity hat as I caved into having another binge, and began writing BEFORE I began eating. Here is the result.

Preface:So in the following entries, I tried my best to document what actually goes on in my mind during this usually completely insane period. (While also doing everything humanly possible to delay/slow/even try to stop this pathologically out of control, run-away pattern of eating.)Dive in and read them, if you dare... 14/9/2019​Entry 1...I'm about to eat some food.It's too early for me to eat--the sun is still high in the sky, and the vibes are taught. So taught that I cannot think. When I try to imagine filling the rest of the sunlight-filled day with more non-eating activities, all I can forsee is a continuing ever mounting surmounting intensifying battle with hunger, with thoughts of eating constantly intruding and interfering with any productive and normally non-stressful activity. Even as I flip through this dictionary, searching for the definition of "mounting", I can't help but grab on to my vision's brief pass over the text of the word "nugatory", and begin thinking of chicken nuggets. Which aren't even a food that I would even eat...Wellp, there you have it, that's as much as I can coherently write in this state as I try to do anything to delay eating...- afternoon of Thursday the fifth of September, 2019​Entry 2...Welp, mid-binge now. I tried drinking coffee, then reading, then even reading out loud, but finally even that sputtered to a hunger-leeched halt....I feel the food digesting, but my mouth and throat are calling for more!!Read (/rɛd/) aloud a bit more (I was able to again!), now back to the food!![undated]​Entry 3...And now, I'm done eating! Hunger temporarily sated!! I think I could have kept eating and eating and eating more and more and more dried fruit if I'd had more with me besides this one unfinished package that is too toxic to continue eating and is thus subject for return.1One serving of olive-oil-based keto paste, though, and I'm good!3, 4I actually even feel ready to go out doors again...- Thursday, late afternoon/early evening, September the fifth, year 2019​[Went to the [grocery store], returned the toxic item, bought supper.]​[Had a supper of avocados. (The previous entries were made during a late breakfast-lunch/early breakfast-dinner.)]​Entry 4...Post-supper reflection:It's almost magic, how my reality seems to right itself so suddenly when I finish the last of that left-over perishable food that I just didn't know what else to do with but eat. Oh, the woes of possessing the minimum purchasable quantities of perishable foods! Why couldn't I have just bought one Organic avocado???Thursday evening, the fifth of September, year 2019.​sunset somewhere around here...​Entry 5...dessert... (which consisted of tasting various supplements to try to see which ones might be the most nutritional, or the most toxic).[undated]​Entry 6...CARB BINGE~!$.5 (So many toxins ingested at this point that I'm basically too far gone for control. These carbs aren't even perishable.)[undated]​Entry 7...Now it feels like I ate my mind... Well... Sort of.There was a point during the binge where I rebelled against the situation, spat out what was in my mouth, and then dumped the remainder into a bag with the mouth-vomit so that I wouldn't be tempted to resume eating it [after this moment of clarity passed]6. This cleared my mind a fair bit....Should I purge??7[undated]​Footnotes:Aaaaand... return successful. One of the great things about Great Value products is that, despite being often of inferior quality to their more expensive (though often higher quality) alternatives, they can also be returned for any reason what-so-ever.2 (Even if it took eating more than half the container of something to finally realize that it was not worth finishing poisoning me.)(Well, it says on the packages that you must at least be dissatisfied.)Was good... :S :[ ] (Note added during a later continuation of only semi-controlled borderline uncontrolled meal-ing)Hunger-wise, at least. Nutrition from so many ingredients, while comprehensive, unfortunately comes at the price of many toxins as well... Still trying to weed down my recipe and rat out the culprits. Urgh.Un-prepared, dry instant oatmeal. (I prefer to keep my carbs stored in this type of unprepared form because it helps to prevent me from binging on them in moments of hunger-crazed weakness. Apparently, not all of the time.)Which I still almost did!!(I didn't.)​Some previous pieces I wrote following my (continuing) struggles with bully-mia:RecoveryThe tales of two more binges survivedA reflection made during the morning of recovery after an unpurged don'-eat bingeSinking, and BailingA piece I wrote after my first vomit-purgeA revelation had during an island of sanity between courses of a really big bingeHunger... [NSFL]Some pieces I wrote after some really big binges a while back via /r/bulimia https://ift.tt/2ZZZSaL