Does anyone have any advice

Where to start...I have a different problem from a lot of people here. That being that I don't get attached to people. I don't care about them. I feel like I am incapable of it. I feel like if everyone I've ever talked to vanished from my life, I wouldn't really mind. This includes my family. Not that any of my "friends," if you can indeed call them that, are mean, rude, assholes, etc. They are wonderful people, and I wish nothing but the best for them, but I don't feel attached to them. At all. If I moved 10,000 miles away and never talked to any of them again, I wouldn't mind. This in itself doesn't seem like it would cause problems, but that's where you'd be wrong.The problems start when you realize that you don't care for anyone, except you've spent every day of the last 5 years with the same people. And despite spending everyday of 5 years with the same people, you do not feel a single thing for any of them beyond basic human empathy, sympathy, etc. You then begin to realize that your entire life is a lie, every single day of the past 5 years amounts to quite literally nothing, and everything you thought you knew about yourself was wrong.That's not everything, however. Despite my lack of feeling, I would consider myself very sympathetic. I hate seeing others in pain, and knowing that I cause such pain makes me feel twice as bad. So when I hurt someone, emotionally or physically, I just end up hating myself. Add lifelong anger issues on top of that, and hooray! You have the perfect recipe for self hatred! Add in a fight (like, punches thrown fight) with one of my best "friends," then the fact that I don't feel any worse about it than I would feel fighting some random guy on the street, and congratulations! You have the perfect recipe for an existential crisis that drives you to abandon all of your "friends" in an attempt to not only stop hurting them and being a burden, but also to get away from a socially exhausting situation that arises from staying with complete acquaintances for 5 years on end! Wonderful, isn't it?So, to recap, I've abandoned my "friends" to prevent myself from hurting them, to stop being a burden on all of their lives, and to escape a situation that just grows more and more draining for me as time goes on. Problems solved, right? Wrong. Because apparently, while you may not care for them, they care about you! Hahahahaha, well isn't that dandy! That's what happens after spending 5 years with someone, after all. That is of course, unless you're a heartless freak who can't care about anyone. Good thing I don't know anyone like that! But regardless, I'm going to assume that when someone you care about and have spent 5 years with abandons you, you are gonna be sad, and hurt. I wouldn't know. But, from what I've gathered from my "friends," they are very hurt from me just ditching them. And keep in mind, I really hate hurting people.So, I've ended up in a situation where if I stay, everyone gets hurt or exhausted, but if I go, everyone gets hurt or exhausted. And I really don't like hurting or exhausting people. I am already in enough self hatred for a lifetime. I can't turn to my mom, she wouldn't believe me, nor my dad or brother, as they wouldn't know how to react. My relationship with my family (that I don't feel anything for, mind you) is built off me being the silly one, the one who always cracks a joke to brighten the day. So they wouldn't believe me or know what to do if I acted serious for once. And I can't turn to my "friends," because that would just burden them, waste their time, and just make me feel worse. So I turned to the one place where no one knows me, judges me based on my previous actions, or has a stake in helping other than the kindness of their heart. Here. I don't want to keep hurting people. I don't want to keep hurting. I want the cycle of pain to end. And most importantly, I want to care about some one. I'm not asking for you guys to solve all my problems, I'm asking if you have insight. And before any of you say, "Try to work on your anger issues," trust me, I have. For 2 years. And therapy. Nothing's changed. So right now, the only solution I see to the first 3 problems is to kill myself. And I have no idea how to solve the last one. via /r/SuicideWatch https://ift.tt/2J0jXTh